Cheat sheet · Mental health

When your partner is depressed

Depression can look like not caring: withdrawn, irritable, flat, no interest in you or in plans. It's an illness, not a verdict on you or your relationship. These steps help you support them without losing yourself.

1. 1

   Don't take the withdrawal personally

   Low energy, irritability and less interest in sex or plans are common in depression — not proof they've stopped loving you.

   ResearchIt runs both ways: in 1,869 middle-aged and older couples, marital conflict predicted later depressive symptoms, and depressive symptoms predicted later conflict (Whisman & Uebelacker, Psychology and Aging, 2009).

2. 2

   Listen more than you fix

   “That sounds really heavy. I'm here.” Skip the pep talk and the advice for now.

   ResearchBeing heard calms: across four experiments, being listened to with empathy and without judgment made people less anxious and defensive (Itzchakov et al., 2017).

3. 3

   Go easy on criticism

   Small digs land hard right now. Make requests specific, short and kind.

   ResearchHome matters: weighing many kinds of studies together, researchers concluded that relationship distress is a causal risk factor for depression (Whisman, Sbarra & Beach, Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 2021).

4. 4

   Encourage help — offer to come

   Suggest seeing a doctor and offer to book it or go along. Couple therapy is an option too.

   ResearchCouple therapy is a real option: a Cochrane review found couple therapy improved depression as much as individual therapy and reduced relationship distress more (Barbato & D'Avanzo, 2020).

5. 5

   Look after yourself too

   Keep your friends, sleep and exercise. If they talk about not wanting to live, get urgent help: emergency services or a crisis line.

   ResearchSupport protects you: a classic review found social support buffers the harmful effects of stress, especially when stress is high (Cohen & Wills, Psychological Bulletin, 1985).