Cheat sheet · Intimacy

When your desire levels don't match

Almost every long-term couple goes through times when one wants more closeness than the other. It's common — and it's workable when you both come at it with care.

1. 1

   Know it's normal

   Different desire levels don't mean something is broken.

   ResearchResearchers note that in most long-term relationships, one partner sometimes declines the other's advances — it's a normal part of love (Kim et al., 2020).

2. 2

   Talk outside the bedroom

   Calm, kind, no blame. “How can we both feel good about this?”

   ResearchA meta-analysis of 93 studies (38,499 people) linked the quality of sexual communication with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction (Mallory, 2022).

3. 3

   Say yes to the closeness you can enjoy

   Out of care, never pressure or obligation. A no is always okay.

   ResearchPeople motivated to meet a partner's needs — not by obligation — left both partners more satisfied, in and out of bed (Day et al., 2015).

4. 4

   Say — and hear — “not tonight” kindly

   “I love you. Not tonight — tomorrow?” And if you hear a no, answer with grace.

   ResearchIn daily studies of couples, a reassuring “not tonight” was linked to greater satisfaction; a hostile one to lower (Kim et al., 2020).

5. 5

   Make room for closeness

   Affection without expectation, and something new together. Desire grows where it feels safe and alive.

   ResearchTrying new things together was linked to higher sexual desire and satisfaction over time, across three studies (Muise et al., 2019).